Some of you may have seen my facebook post on bullying yesterday and I would like to take this opportunity to explain my theory. You may take it and run with it, or throw it out the window, I really don't care. This is MY theory and I AM entitled to it.
I think as a society we spend way too much time on the whole "poor me" thing. Oh, "poor me", I got dumped, I am too fat, my car broke down, the popular kids made fun of my hair, I can't sit with the "cool kids" because I am not wearing name brands. Get over YOURSELF!!! Yes, I said it. While it is very wrong for anyone to make fun of another person there is a reason behind it. Usually the people making fun of you are insecure about themselves and need to make fun of you to feel better about themselves.
That can't be the case though, because they are "popular" and so there is no way they can possibly be insecure. All you want to do is fit in with their group. You are so wrong. They became popular because other kids allowed them to ruin their self-esteem and control the way the feel to a point that we have become so insecure that we believe their lies and turn into the losers that we allow them to make us.
Let me put this another way. In the real adult world, we continue our high school antics. I was working in a local mall. In this mall there were some very distinct cliques. There were the 40 somethings that had been mall managers way too long and they tried to avoid all the younger managers because they wanted to look like they knew what they were doing and we there because they were actually good at their jobs when the reality was that they had stayed too long and couldn't make a better wage elsewhere. There were the teenagers that worked part-time and knew each other from school. Then there were two very different groups in their 20s and 30s. The first group worked in places like technology stores and book stores. They were a bit different, probably not in the "in-crowd" during school. Then there were the "hot girls". Yes, you know you have seen them. These are the pretty girls that work mostly in fashion related stores. They all date men with money, so they really don't need to make that much. Plus all the male shoppers bring them little treats like donuts so they really don't have to buy anything.
I began as a tech geek in the mall. I was still a bit chunky from having Skye and I was a quiet worker that kept to myself. After being there about 6 months I made a personal choice to get all the weight off. Everyone noticed. The security guards would stop and make small talk. And yes, I even got fresh donuts every morning I worked thanks to AT&T guys. Eventually, the "hot girls" had taken notice. I got an invite to go out drinking after work. I politely explained I had to get back to my 4 children at the time, but thanks anyway. The "hot girls" continued to talk to me daily now. While it was nice to have the option of being a part of this exclusive group, I realized I really didn't like them. We had nothing in common. They all were dating these super-model looking men and I was happily single. None of them had kids and I had 4. So on some level the girls I thought I wanted to be associated with, were really never people I would choose for friends at all.
So flash back to high school. You can picture that core group of people that was "popular". Maybe they were jocks, had money, a good car, or name-brand clothing, but were any of them really friends? Were they even really friends with each other? I love watching them on facebook now. Ya, I may not have been "good enough" (whatever you define that as) in high school to hang out with them, but they sure do like to send me facebook requests now. I will never forget being the quiet girl in their mind. I would listen in on all their conversations in high school, and really they all hated each other. I really and truly believe none of them were ever actually friends. It was all a big fake act complete with hugs, and false compliments that were denied the instant one of them left the room so the others could insult her. It was sad.
Which brings me to my next point, why are all these kids so hell bent on hanging out with kids that don't like them? They don't even like each other. Putting on name brand clothes, winning the lottery, working your butt off to afford a new car, those things will not change who you are inside. A nerd can't put on a pair of Silver's and suddenly become prom queen. It only happens in the movies.
I would also like to say that a bunch of them have reached out to me. They never once apologized for excluding me, I don't want that. I threw carrots at the fat girls (I am truly and sincerely sorry for that btw. I was the "fat girl" within my own circle.) The reason these people are coming to me: divorce and child custody. Yes, that's right apparently I am the resident child custody and divorce expert of my high school. I have had 7 people contact me in the last 3 months alone. I am not complaining at all. Anyone that needs help with either of these I am more than happy to help, but I am surprised. More importantly, I think they were surprised. I am funny, nice, smart and helpful. since they never talked to me before they had no idea and I really could see a few of these people in my life for a while. I think a lot of it has to do with a personal change in my life though.
We have to start by liking ourselves. I am going to be brutally honest for a moment. My oldest son is a nerd. He wears glasses, has a nerdy sense of humor, and let's face it he has a lot of his dad's ideas in him. (By that I mean he thinks that working in a factory after high school while living on grandma's couch constitutes a life plan) I buy Christopher (my son's name) all the name brand clothes I can find. I made sure he got good glasses for his face. I encourage him to keep his hairstyle current. I buy him the "right" shoes. All his school supplies this year were unique. I do this stuff so that my son can never blame anyone for his level of popularity but himself.
See I spent a lot of time blaming my parents since I was unpopular. My parents were too old to dress me fashionably. They were old school and never bought me anything trendy. I didn't have a cell phone until I was 19. My mom thought elastic waist blue jeans were the "in" style cause that was all she wore. So I blamed my mom and dad for what would have probably had the same outcome either way. I wasn't quite a nerd, but I definitely was not popular. Sure I had my share of boyfriends, had a fair amount of parties, and sat with a close knit circle, however, I never got invited to go do anything with the carpeted-side of the cafeteria kids freshman year.
As for my other kids, Manda and Sydney are twins. They will be instantly popular as they know the other set of twins which are their brother's cousins. Sydney is extremely athletic and will most likely just fit right in. Manda is quiet, but she's very pretty. Everywhere we go, boys follow her around already. (Yes, I will be investing in a large stick to keep by my front door) Skye is just lovable with a huge personality and with her sisters to pave the way I am certain she will be just as popular. All 4 of my older kids will be in high school at the same time.
The difference between my kids and the other kids though will be that my kids will not be victims. They will not sit around and say "why me". Instead my kids will go out and create their own path. I tell my kids daily that life is too short to waste trying to please people that don't like you. Like yourself. Find others you like. Share your love with the world and you will feel better about yourself.
I think Will Smith says it best, " Money and success don't change people; they merely amplify what is already there. Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too. Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like."
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