I have the best relationship ever. We do not fight, we go out and have fun, and most importantly the trust is amazing. You see, I am dating myself. It is not glamorous. We are not an attractive couple. Being your own motivation, cheerleader and referee is not easy, but it's real.
In the past I was relationship dependant. I thought that men helped determine my self worth. I thought the word single meant that you were either fat ugly, or tainted. Only losers are single and the only people that say they are choosing to be single really cannot get a date. For a while I even believed that about myself. I thought deep down I was telling people I was choosing to be single because that took away the fear of rejection. Now I know I can get a date anytime I want. Men of all types, despite me having five kids, are lined up waiting for me to want a relationship.
This brings me to another issue, I don't like labels. At what point is dating a relationship? And at what age is the word girlfriend to childish? The entire reasoning behind having a boyfriend is that he is a boy. So do I have a man friend? A significant other? How about if I choose to have a nothing and be free to date other, but don't date around and just don't label it?
I chose to bring up a lot of this mess because people keep commenting on how difficult it must be for me to do this alone. Considering I have been awake since yesterday at 3am, yes it is hard for me to do much of anything when any of my children is sick, or hurt. I do it because I made a commitment to my child the day I choose to do whatever was involved in their creation. I can't choose not to do it anymore because "I don't feel like it today".
As I have brought up before many times I live in a less-than-desirable neighborhood by the standards of many. Sometimes it's shady by my own standards I had growing up. The truth of this is I am grown up now. At least I have a place to live, a vehicle, and amazing children with a great sense of morality and a strong belief in God and prayer. I see neglected kids everywhere. It makes no difference to me if their parents are in jail, at work, or just plain to lazy to get off their butt and care for them. They are our future. I hope one day they neglect to take care of their parents in their old age the way they are uncared for. I hope they never change a single parent's diaper too.
The part that is the most tragic is that this cycle tends to repeat. We become our parents. I see this in my childrens' fathers. I see this in my kids. One day my oldest son announced that he was not going to work when he grew up. Not only did he not need to further his education, but he could live on his grandma's couch like his dad. I laughed. It was funny what can I say? I want more for him than that. Since then he has begun to excel in school and we talk a lot about his future. His latest career choice at age seven is doctor. I used to want to pursue a law career. It was later replaced by a career in journalism. I hope to actually start this career soon.
I have taught my kids to ride their bikes, throw footballs (both the boy and girls), write their name, order their own food at restaurants, and most importantly appreciate what you have while you have it. I know this is not my typical light-hearted blog. This stuff is serious. I am mommy and daddy. I am the provider, the maid, and the motivator. I get no sleep. I watch my closet vomit clothes to make sure that other parts of my house (what's visible) is cared for. I am exhausted, but I love it and would have it no other way. I complain. I moan. I whine. However, at the end of the day I know God will never give me more than I can handle and that through this experience I have found sides of myself that I did not know were there. I know all this just as I know my children were put here for amazing reasons. Maybe they will be doctors. Maybe they will be athletes. maybe they will just grow up to be good people that help their neighbors. I don't know. I do know this: I am amazing. I don't need anyone else to tell me this. It's always nice to hear, but I know. At the end of the day, if I go to sleep, I know that I will still be as amazing if I wake up the next day.
In conclusion to this, yes, I am ready to move on. I won't rush anything this time around. If in 18 years I have found no one and am so exhausted I can barely stand, I will still be amazing. No one sets my worth but me. I am not looking for a dad, never was, but I am looking for a husband that can love my kids as they are a part of what makes me amazing. I love you guys!!
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