Everyone is so fake. Yes, those of you in a relationship I called you out. Your man does not make the sunshine. Nor, is he truly the best thing to ever happen to you. Let's just call the kettle black. You often find his skid-marked underwear left in the middle of the bedroom floor, the wet towel from tis morning dropped beside the toilet that he frequently misses and when you are taking he shower is the time he normally decides to take a healthy dump. Yes, you happy relationship people, QUIT LYING!!!!!
This leads me to my good friend, Happy Bunny. He doesn't lie. I know, I am wearing his shirt. I am actually quite proud to have bought it for myself. It's a glittery screen printed picture of him in a Santa hat saying, "I've been naughty. So what?" LOL right? I am also a huge fan of other things that he likes to say:
Love. It's just like hate, but somebody gets candy.
They're books. Unless you don't read, then their coasters.
It's all about me. Deal with it!
School prepares you for the real world which also sucks.
You smell like butt.
You're ugly and that's funny.
hi. loser.
I did it, but I'm blaming you.
it's ok if you want to drop dead
I love dumb people. It's fun to watch them trip.
Hating you makes me all warm inside.
I have a dream and in it something eats you.
I just realized, I don't care.
Your anger makes me happy.
Boys lie and kind of stink.
I hear the other ucky people calling you.
Now, these are all things I have thought at one time or another. I will admit it. You probably won't and I will be the first to tell you that that is called denial. So, I am going to break down his thoughts for you.
All relationships are based on the same principle: we love hating each other. A marriage occurs when two people agree to put up with each other until they divorce. Sad? Nah. Reality? Ya, probably. What would happen if we all just said what we really thought from day one. I will give you all the following account of what I not only am looking for, but what I know I won't find. Therefore I know that I will be comprising my own selfish desires should I find anyone that is almost as awesome as me. Yes, I am mean, deal with it.
If you are lucky enough to be allowed to touch me, I want candy. Yes, I read so don't assume you can give me an insult as a compliment and expect me to fall for a jerk. I want to be the center of the universe. Make me feel like I am, and I will pretend like you are the center of mine, but we will both know it's all about me. I am educated, both in the schools and in the streets. You won't be able to use me, or outsmart me. Think you are playing me, guess again cause I bet you are already being played. You smell. Shower daily. I do. You should too. If you are a loser i.e. you live with your mom, don't have your own car, haven't worked in a long time, can't pay to take me out, and/or have a bad relationship with your baby mama on account of you being a deadbeat, don't look at me. I don't hang out with losers, let alone date them. The second you do something to make me dislike you, everything you do will begin to annoy me more. If we break up, we can be friends. Friends don't fool around. Friends don't continue to tell each other how in love they are with me. If your friends are stupid, you probably are too. My friends are some of the most awesome people on the planet, especially my guy friends. Don't like my friends, get lost cause they're not going anywhere. Jealous of my guy friends, get over it or get gone, cause I am not leaving them for a man. I am not always going to look like this. Sometimes I will look super hot. Other times, not so much. If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. Sometimes I am going to leave my dirty laundry around the house just to see if you will whine and/or pick it up for me. I will cook for you. If I burn it, you better eat it with a smile or buy us both a pizza. You bring me Chinese, I will fall in love with you. You show up empty handed, you better be really cute!!!
Ya, so if you are still reading this, you now know why I am still single. You may have also figured out I am tired of settling. If a Happy Bunny philosophy applies to you, then we probably won't date. If you think this was funny, please share me with your friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment