The following is how a single mom goes grocery shopping with five kids ages 7, 4, 4, 3 and 5 months. While the accounts are true and very honest the author takes no responsibility for those that try this at home. That's right, try this at your own risk. Possibly start smaller and work your way up.
Two words: baby carrier. This is the single most important part of my journey. It keeps my baby safe, his toys are easy to attach, and it fits easily on the cart. It begins on the ride to the store, baby in car seat/carrier, kids in coats and comfortable shoes after all going potty, (I could care less if they have to, they are going), and so we begin the list of rules as we drive to the grocery store.
My kids know this list and can repeat it to you if asked. In the parking lot we stay by mom holding hands. Not in front of mom or behind mom, but it must be beside. This discourages running ahead or lagging slowly behind.
Once in the store mommy will get the cart. I prefer the ones with the cars so two additional kids can be strapped down. (evil laughter here) The other two are then forced to hold one side of the cart each and can help me not have to bend over by grabbing lower foods.
Next, shopping with a list is not a Nel thing. I NEVER shop with a list. Lists mean that if I forget something I would have to go back for it. That is not happening. I simply look at prices about 80 times while in the store. We always buy the best priced item unless it is something that tastes terrible when it's generic. Certain frozen foods are like that. We also watch because bigger doesn't always mean better deal. Sometimes two of the smaller package is a better value. Yes, I do cover all this with my kids and talk to them about prices openly in the store.
While we are shopping the children know they may request any fruit, vegetable, meat (except maybe lobster tail or crab legs), or whole wheat pasta. They each may also pick out one healthy snack food. Cheese, whole grain crackers, baked chips, or yogurt are all acceptable choices. Ultimately, if it's out of season, cost some crazy amount, or has added sugars, we probably won't buy it. I am usually pretty reasonable on this.
My kids know me reasonably well. If they can go through the entire store, keep their hands to themselves, no whining, no crying, no complaining, and most importantly not insulting anyone, they may get a beverage of their choice at the end of the trip or a candy bar.
The whole not insulting a stranger came into play one day shortly after my grandmother had passed. My oldest son was 5 at the time. He walked up to an elderly lady and stated, "You are old. That means you will die soon." I can still feel the color drain out of my face to this day from him saying that. I hate apologizing for my kids, but at the same time I knew that he was not lying, and because I had always said don't lie and never covered the part about not being blunt, it had to be my apology.
That incident created another rule, "Only speak when spoken to, and always be polite (in other words only say nice things)". Believe me when I say everyone and I mean EVERYONE speaks to us. If I had a dollar for every time someone said, "My, you have your hands full" I would easily be a thousandaire. I also get a lot of "You have a basketball team."
I always make sure to have my kids clean and well dressed when we go out or I find myself the victim of abusive words. I don't need to know about your tax money funding my family, that I had to have a litter, that I am stereotypical trailer trash, or that I should stop breeding. A lot of people ask if I am done. Yes, I am. My tubes are very much so tied, but it's not your business.
When we do go out in nice clothes and well groomed I think the one thing that bothers me the most is the comment, "You must have a lot of help at home." You see, I have zero help at home. If I state this fact, people hand me money. (I am not kidding) It's embarrassing and makes me want to cry. We are not a charity case. Clearly, my kids are taken care of. If they ask about the dad and I tell the story (I have done this twice and must say never again) I get hugs and they cry. WTH!!! So simply I just wear my engagement ring from baby daddy when I go out and want to avoid stupid people and stupid questions.
I spend more time answering questions then we ever do shopping. The clerks know us by name at the local Kroger. They always inquire about their activities and tell them how big they are getting. Seriously, it's like you can't miss my family.
At the end of the trip no one gets their treat until all the groceries have been put away. We do that as a family, eat our treat and go about the rest of the days business. We spend an average of an hour each time we go into the store. If you have further questions, consult my facebook.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
How NOT to pick up Chics
First of all, don't call us "chics". Ladies, women, girls and females are all more acceptable than chics. Most of the time you men buy books on how to pick up women. Most of these books teach you to highlight women's smaller insecurities and play on them to your advantage. I am going to offer you a one time set of "rules" that if you play by correctly by never doing them, you should stand a slightly better chance at having a relationship. We do not like the term "take us home". Taking us home implies sex and ultimatley guys most girls equate sex with a feeling, yes a real feeling. While I aknowledge that horny is a legit feeling, it is not why most women choose to have sex.
Let's start with the basics. If we are walking down the road, it is not your cue to scream at us. While it's ever so flattering to hear, "Nice ass!" while wandering down the sidewalk to pick up our children, it will NEVER get you anywhere. Neither will any cat calls coming from an open window. I don't know of any man that got a number that way. (As a personal note, ladies this is the best way to pick up men, seriously, no kidding!) Also in this category, offering us a ride will not work well either. If you are fortunate enough that she is not packing pepper spray, many of us will call the police.
Walking up to one of our kids and starting a conversation freaks us out. Are you a child predator? If I date you, will you molest my child? Yes, sadly it's a red flag to most single moms. Pay attention to us. While we make cute kids we like to know that we are also still attractive. Cocompliment us, then notice our kids.
Asking her for a ride is also out. Like anyone wants to date a guy that doesn't have his own car, really? Also, if you are asking for a job application and it's not for a second job, I won't be dating you until you have a job. Sorry, it's just not happening anytime soon. I get that unemployment is high, but there are more men than women in the world. It's a fact. I have a better chance of finding the guy with a job then you do of finding a girl that will support you.
Tell the girl you want to meet up at her place. Why can't I go to your place? Do you still live with your mommy? Are you secretly with another girl, or worse are you secretly gay? Let's think about our choices.
At a bar you are being watched. Having said that, we see you and through you. You have hit on 3 other girls and they all turned you down. Now I am your forth choice. Not only are you not getting my number, you are lucky I am not sticking my foot to your balls. Also, standing in the corner staring straight at my ass but not having the guts to talk to me, you are a loser. True story: Some dude at the bar stared at me all night once. Five minutes before we were going to leave I approached him. The following statement is exactly what I said: "I have noticed you staring at me all night. I thought I would come introduce myself. (extend hand for him to shake) I am Nel. Now that you know my name I only feel it's fair for you to know you will never have to remember it. You will not be screaming it later. Have a goodnight" Yes, I was sober for all that. Yes, it was mean, but so funny at the time that even my harshness was worth it all.
Guys all a woman really wants is a guy to be honest. Tell us the truth and maybe we will give us a chance. Don't objectify us openly and expect to get anywhere. Hit on me politely, say hi, talk to me, then hit on me. Give yourself a chance.
Let's start with the basics. If we are walking down the road, it is not your cue to scream at us. While it's ever so flattering to hear, "Nice ass!" while wandering down the sidewalk to pick up our children, it will NEVER get you anywhere. Neither will any cat calls coming from an open window. I don't know of any man that got a number that way. (As a personal note, ladies this is the best way to pick up men, seriously, no kidding!) Also in this category, offering us a ride will not work well either. If you are fortunate enough that she is not packing pepper spray, many of us will call the police.
Walking up to one of our kids and starting a conversation freaks us out. Are you a child predator? If I date you, will you molest my child? Yes, sadly it's a red flag to most single moms. Pay attention to us. While we make cute kids we like to know that we are also still attractive. Cocompliment us, then notice our kids.
Asking her for a ride is also out. Like anyone wants to date a guy that doesn't have his own car, really? Also, if you are asking for a job application and it's not for a second job, I won't be dating you until you have a job. Sorry, it's just not happening anytime soon. I get that unemployment is high, but there are more men than women in the world. It's a fact. I have a better chance of finding the guy with a job then you do of finding a girl that will support you.
Tell the girl you want to meet up at her place. Why can't I go to your place? Do you still live with your mommy? Are you secretly with another girl, or worse are you secretly gay? Let's think about our choices.
At a bar you are being watched. Having said that, we see you and through you. You have hit on 3 other girls and they all turned you down. Now I am your forth choice. Not only are you not getting my number, you are lucky I am not sticking my foot to your balls. Also, standing in the corner staring straight at my ass but not having the guts to talk to me, you are a loser. True story: Some dude at the bar stared at me all night once. Five minutes before we were going to leave I approached him. The following statement is exactly what I said: "I have noticed you staring at me all night. I thought I would come introduce myself. (extend hand for him to shake) I am Nel. Now that you know my name I only feel it's fair for you to know you will never have to remember it. You will not be screaming it later. Have a goodnight" Yes, I was sober for all that. Yes, it was mean, but so funny at the time that even my harshness was worth it all.
Guys all a woman really wants is a guy to be honest. Tell us the truth and maybe we will give us a chance. Don't objectify us openly and expect to get anywhere. Hit on me politely, say hi, talk to me, then hit on me. Give yourself a chance.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
To Your Ears (Text Me, I Can't Hear You!)
Back in the day, when I was about 7 or 8 all I wanted was a phone in my room. I think I found my hot pink phone with the curly cord when I was garage sale shopping with my grandma. It was by far the best $1.50 I ever spent. My dad then installed a phone jack to my room on the opposite side of the one in their room and I was officially a big girl. I called people just because I could even when I had nothing to say.
Flash forward 10 years and I bought my first cell phone. I took the free one and got better reception with it than I have gotten with any of my 8 cell phones since then. However, it was not until the ripe age of 23 when I really started to text. I got the whole unlimited texting thing thanks to my bff and been addicted ever since.
Why text when you can talk? My dad asks me this constantly. Well for one thing, it's completely private (for the most part). No one can over-hear your important conversations and it's perfect for short messages like when your arrival to a specific destination is imminent. It's also a great way to keep records of sweet things sent to you by a significant other, to share pictures, or to mass send a happy fill-in-the-blank-here.
What people fail to realize is that there is a certain set of manners people should honor while texting. I have complied the following personal pet-peeves list:
The Break-up: If you and your significant other have been together more than a couple weeks, it is NOT alright to send a break up text. You owe them more of an explanation than a simple text message stating that you wish to break up. Worse yet NEVER EVER end an engagement or a marriage via text. If you are not man enough to conduct your break-ups in person, then you were NEVER mature enough for a relationship, let alone an engagement or marriage. (On a very personal note, doing this to someone that is literally carrying your child and due in less than three weeks is total BS, and said person should be beat for doing so.)
The Sext: That's right, I don't care how amazing you think your significant other is, NEVER send a naked picture over a text. They will share it. I know, I have seen them. Eight of my best friends are guys and I can't begin to tell you how many womanly body parts I have personally been shown on their phone. Once they are out there, they will be forwarded, end up on the Internet and potentially ruin your life. Just don't do it!!!!
The EXTREMELY LONG signature: Ok, so we all want to have a cute little, and I stress LITTLE, signature at the end of all our texts cause it "defines" us in some way. Having said that, know I no longer use a signature. When your signature is longer than your text, it is too long. Enough said.
The Threat: Don't threaten anyone over a text. What you say can be used against you in court. Also, it's petty and dumb. People actually commit suicide over stupid and pointless text messages that are typed out of anger. If you want to hurt someone, forward their sext, again why you should never sext.
The Forward: Never forward a forward to the person that sent it. Simple and to the point, they already have it.
The Invite: Inviting someone that you forgot to invite to an occasion at the last minute via text is tacky. If they were already over-looked or forgotten not only do you potentially owe them an apology, but you really should at the very least respect them enough to call them and invite them personally. Unless you invite everyone by text, and even as I type that I can see how tacky it is, don't send textvites.
Waiting Too Long: If someone sends you a text, don't take 5 hours to answer it. By then they have most likely forgot why they texted you to begin with. It's very annoying to look through the out-box to see why they sent back whatever it is they said. Be prompt, or don't answer.
The ABBR.: Abbreviations are cool. BFF. GF. BF. LOL. LMAO. L8R. LYLAS. <3. QT. However, keep it simple stupid. There is not an abbreviation for everything! Somethings are better left typed out. Yes, I know ILY is I love you, but when I am talking I would never say I L Y, I would tell you I love you. It's better to see the whole thing. I would text ILY to my best friend's aunt's son-in-law's third cousin's boyfriend. It's generic and tacky. Type it OUT!!!! Furthermore, texts comprised of entirely abbreviations make us look stupid.
The Super Short Text: These are great for yes or no questions, but when someone sends you a joke, sending back LOL is again dumb. Yes, now I know you got it, but do you care that you did? You should say thanks, ask how the person is doing, congratulate them on finally reaching out to talk to you after 3 months, but LOL is not good.
I want to conclude today's mini-lecture with my final thought. I have seen elevator signs that are about ten sentences (on a personal note to the person peeing in our elevator every Friday for the last four weeks, we will GET YOU and you will be PUT OUT!!!!!) so at least say what you need to say, write it out, and treat texts with respect. Don't send them while drunk, high, or driving. Finally, don't let texts replace the phone call. I love hearing certain peoples voices and verbal communication is great!
Flash forward 10 years and I bought my first cell phone. I took the free one and got better reception with it than I have gotten with any of my 8 cell phones since then. However, it was not until the ripe age of 23 when I really started to text. I got the whole unlimited texting thing thanks to my bff and been addicted ever since.
Why text when you can talk? My dad asks me this constantly. Well for one thing, it's completely private (for the most part). No one can over-hear your important conversations and it's perfect for short messages like when your arrival to a specific destination is imminent. It's also a great way to keep records of sweet things sent to you by a significant other, to share pictures, or to mass send a happy fill-in-the-blank-here.
What people fail to realize is that there is a certain set of manners people should honor while texting. I have complied the following personal pet-peeves list:
The Break-up: If you and your significant other have been together more than a couple weeks, it is NOT alright to send a break up text. You owe them more of an explanation than a simple text message stating that you wish to break up. Worse yet NEVER EVER end an engagement or a marriage via text. If you are not man enough to conduct your break-ups in person, then you were NEVER mature enough for a relationship, let alone an engagement or marriage. (On a very personal note, doing this to someone that is literally carrying your child and due in less than three weeks is total BS, and said person should be beat for doing so.)
The Sext: That's right, I don't care how amazing you think your significant other is, NEVER send a naked picture over a text. They will share it. I know, I have seen them. Eight of my best friends are guys and I can't begin to tell you how many womanly body parts I have personally been shown on their phone. Once they are out there, they will be forwarded, end up on the Internet and potentially ruin your life. Just don't do it!!!!
The EXTREMELY LONG signature: Ok, so we all want to have a cute little, and I stress LITTLE, signature at the end of all our texts cause it "defines" us in some way. Having said that, know I no longer use a signature. When your signature is longer than your text, it is too long. Enough said.
The Threat: Don't threaten anyone over a text. What you say can be used against you in court. Also, it's petty and dumb. People actually commit suicide over stupid and pointless text messages that are typed out of anger. If you want to hurt someone, forward their sext, again why you should never sext.
The Forward: Never forward a forward to the person that sent it. Simple and to the point, they already have it.
The Invite: Inviting someone that you forgot to invite to an occasion at the last minute via text is tacky. If they were already over-looked or forgotten not only do you potentially owe them an apology, but you really should at the very least respect them enough to call them and invite them personally. Unless you invite everyone by text, and even as I type that I can see how tacky it is, don't send textvites.
Waiting Too Long: If someone sends you a text, don't take 5 hours to answer it. By then they have most likely forgot why they texted you to begin with. It's very annoying to look through the out-box to see why they sent back whatever it is they said. Be prompt, or don't answer.
The ABBR.: Abbreviations are cool. BFF. GF. BF. LOL. LMAO. L8R. LYLAS. <3. QT. However, keep it simple stupid. There is not an abbreviation for everything! Somethings are better left typed out. Yes, I know ILY is I love you, but when I am talking I would never say I L Y, I would tell you I love you. It's better to see the whole thing. I would text ILY to my best friend's aunt's son-in-law's third cousin's boyfriend. It's generic and tacky. Type it OUT!!!! Furthermore, texts comprised of entirely abbreviations make us look stupid.
The Super Short Text: These are great for yes or no questions, but when someone sends you a joke, sending back LOL is again dumb. Yes, now I know you got it, but do you care that you did? You should say thanks, ask how the person is doing, congratulate them on finally reaching out to talk to you after 3 months, but LOL is not good.
I want to conclude today's mini-lecture with my final thought. I have seen elevator signs that are about ten sentences (on a personal note to the person peeing in our elevator every Friday for the last four weeks, we will GET YOU and you will be PUT OUT!!!!!) so at least say what you need to say, write it out, and treat texts with respect. Don't send them while drunk, high, or driving. Finally, don't let texts replace the phone call. I love hearing certain peoples voices and verbal communication is great!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Let's Get Married... On Our First Date!!!!
Ok, I know what you are all thinking, Nel you have gone crazy this time for sure, but let me assure you when I say I have a reason for both my title and the madness that may follow. I was watching Oprah (I don't make a habit of it, but I was feeding my baby and the remote was across the room) and there was a couple on there that had met and married on the same day. No, they were not Internet lovers. The man was a radio host and he put himself out there in a competition for his future wife. He is still married to his spontaneous bride 20 years later and they have three children.
Join in me in my life if you will. About 5.5 months ago I was happily engaged to a man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, he abandoned me at 8.5 months pregnant with his son over a text message. (Again I will discuss text messages in a later blog along with nasty and rude gum chewing) Anyhow, we had gotten engaged quite quickly, less than a month. When it's right, it's right. He proposed to me in a letter. The following is a fraction of said letter:
"I am not one that is good with telling one how I love and care for them. It is easier for of to write it out. Babe I love you with all my heart and soul you are really the best thing to happen to me in my entire life. You are the greatest person in the world. I have unconditional love for you and the kids like you do for us. I pray and hope that God has a plan that will fill our lives with over-filling joy. God makes things happen for a reason, he brought me into your life for more reasons then we will ever know."
Clearly the reason was a our wonderful son and not a lasting marriage. However, had he done the very things he outlined in his proposal, we would still be together. Let me break that down for you. Unconditional love: you can love anyone or anything you chose to. That's right ladies and gents, love is a choice. I may have unconditional love for my children, but let me tell you, it's really not. Love always comes with conditions. I love them because they are my children. It's a condition.
Any relationship can work. I don't buy the whole, "I love you, but I am not in love with you" garbage. Either you love someone or you don't. It's simple. You can love anyone though. Everyone has good qualities and merits that continue to help make us the people one are today. So back to how any relationship can work. When I wake up in the morning I go to the bathroom. It's a good conscience decision. I have to go so I do. I then choose to wash my hands, get dressed, wake up my children, make breakfast etc. etc. With love it is no different.
I choose the effort I am going to put forth in my relationships. I choose to be nice to the other person. I choose to share in their life. I consider their needs and act upon those needs. I am thoughtful, polite, spontaneous, and I communicate. I choose to touch them. I kiss them hello, good-bye, and for no reason. I make them dinner out of choice, not out of obligation. Never see your relationship as a trap or an obligation because in fact it is a CHOICE. Get where I am going. Just like you choose the relationship, so does the other person involved. Sadly, too many times one of the partners in the relationship stops trying. They fail to communicate their needs and because their needs are not being met, they stop trying.
A lot of people don't realize that if you continue to make the other person happy, let them have their own interests, make sure they get compliments, buy them gifts on a random Tuesday, and call them just to see how they are doing, that in return they will have the other person returning the favor. Every relationship is also a competition. Believe it or not everyone wants to be the person that out-does the other. The more you give, the more you get, but keep in mind that is never why you should give.
Relationships where there is some attraction and two people putting God first and trying to make it work will work. So as for my title, getting married on the first date may not work for everyone, but keep in mind marriage after 20 years of knowing each other bares no more guarantees. I think two people of similar attraction and backgrounds could in fact get married on the first date and have a life-long happy marriage so long as they work at it. Life is about the little things. In twenty years no one will remember the exact day and time of the earthquake in Japan, well unless you live in Japan, but you may remember that day you felt like crap and your significant other sent you a flower.
In a side note: there are relationships that should not work out!!! Abusive relationships and chronic cheaters will not change and should be left without regret. Life is too short and remember you can marry anyone on a first date :)
Join in me in my life if you will. About 5.5 months ago I was happily engaged to a man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, he abandoned me at 8.5 months pregnant with his son over a text message. (Again I will discuss text messages in a later blog along with nasty and rude gum chewing) Anyhow, we had gotten engaged quite quickly, less than a month. When it's right, it's right. He proposed to me in a letter. The following is a fraction of said letter:
"I am not one that is good with telling one how I love and care for them. It is easier for of to write it out. Babe I love you with all my heart and soul you are really the best thing to happen to me in my entire life. You are the greatest person in the world. I have unconditional love for you and the kids like you do for us. I pray and hope that God has a plan that will fill our lives with over-filling joy. God makes things happen for a reason, he brought me into your life for more reasons then we will ever know."
Clearly the reason was a our wonderful son and not a lasting marriage. However, had he done the very things he outlined in his proposal, we would still be together. Let me break that down for you. Unconditional love: you can love anyone or anything you chose to. That's right ladies and gents, love is a choice. I may have unconditional love for my children, but let me tell you, it's really not. Love always comes with conditions. I love them because they are my children. It's a condition.
Any relationship can work. I don't buy the whole, "I love you, but I am not in love with you" garbage. Either you love someone or you don't. It's simple. You can love anyone though. Everyone has good qualities and merits that continue to help make us the people one are today. So back to how any relationship can work. When I wake up in the morning I go to the bathroom. It's a good conscience decision. I have to go so I do. I then choose to wash my hands, get dressed, wake up my children, make breakfast etc. etc. With love it is no different.
I choose the effort I am going to put forth in my relationships. I choose to be nice to the other person. I choose to share in their life. I consider their needs and act upon those needs. I am thoughtful, polite, spontaneous, and I communicate. I choose to touch them. I kiss them hello, good-bye, and for no reason. I make them dinner out of choice, not out of obligation. Never see your relationship as a trap or an obligation because in fact it is a CHOICE. Get where I am going. Just like you choose the relationship, so does the other person involved. Sadly, too many times one of the partners in the relationship stops trying. They fail to communicate their needs and because their needs are not being met, they stop trying.
A lot of people don't realize that if you continue to make the other person happy, let them have their own interests, make sure they get compliments, buy them gifts on a random Tuesday, and call them just to see how they are doing, that in return they will have the other person returning the favor. Every relationship is also a competition. Believe it or not everyone wants to be the person that out-does the other. The more you give, the more you get, but keep in mind that is never why you should give.
Relationships where there is some attraction and two people putting God first and trying to make it work will work. So as for my title, getting married on the first date may not work for everyone, but keep in mind marriage after 20 years of knowing each other bares no more guarantees. I think two people of similar attraction and backgrounds could in fact get married on the first date and have a life-long happy marriage so long as they work at it. Life is about the little things. In twenty years no one will remember the exact day and time of the earthquake in Japan, well unless you live in Japan, but you may remember that day you felt like crap and your significant other sent you a flower.
In a side note: there are relationships that should not work out!!! Abusive relationships and chronic cheaters will not change and should be left without regret. Life is too short and remember you can marry anyone on a first date :)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I AM DELETING YOU FROM FACEBOOK!!!
In the world of technology in which we all live it is easy to get caught into a trap. Let's face it, I have 500 and some number friends on facebook. In the last week I have had conversations with about 20 of them. The other facebook friends are all people I know, or at least know through someone else. I use my facebook to take a look into the lives of other through a distance as to not actually have to be involved with them daily, but allow them the security of thinking we are good friends.
I split my facebook into three groups: those I know and see regularly (or at least talk to regularly if they live out of town), those I have been close to and talked to in the past (high school people I had class with, my mom's friends, etc), and those random adds that tend to be either fruitful or entertaining. Note that I have about 50 people on the "people you may know" link that I have about 80 friends or so in common with that I don't like so I refuse to add them.
So I guess you are all wondering the same thing, "Why is this important?". Last week I had a boy, yes I will refer to this boy in his late 20s as a boy, threaten me with....hold your breath, here it comes, deleting me from his facebook!!!! After I got done laughing, I posted his immature behavior to my status and everyone had a good laugh. By the way, I deleted him from my facebook, who is immature now??? Oh, wait that's me. LOL.
It made me consider the evolution of our threats. Our earliest was probably, "I won't be your best friend anymore." I hear my twin four year olds say it all the time. They say it to their friends, but mostly they say it to each other. Personally, I have no doubt that they won't be each other's maid-of-honor one day in their weddings. Next it evolves into, "I won't invite you to my party.", "I won't be your girlfriend anymore.", "I want a divorce.", "I won't let you see your children.". All are just threats. They are just words that have the potential to turn into action that can hurt. (I will be writing more about the divorce threat in a later blog.)
That's when it hit me, all but the best friend thing, are listed on facebook. It is a powerful tool. We use it to say who our family is, who we are in a relationship with, who we are talking to or going out with, where we are both in our lives's journey and in actual life.
So back to the threat. I didn't lose my friend. I will refer to him as Jay. Jay was angry that I would not date him. I would not date anyone that doesn't have a car, doesn't have a job, doesn't have a place of residence where they pay some form of rent, and finally someone that can barely take care of their own life. It was not that I didn't make sense in my reasoning. I take care of myself and five children on a daily basis. I pay my own rent, own my van, working on a career by going to school and sending out query letters, and make sure my children's needs are met before I meet my own. I don't need another person to take care of. Jay said he was ready for a family and wanted to be a father and a husband. I have found there may not be a man out there ready to stand next to me and join me on what I am taking care of. I am ok with that. He is not.
Last night Jay apologized. He outlined why he was hurt and offended that I would not give him a chance, so I outlined my reasoning right back to him. We are still no longer friends on facebook. I figure if other guys flirt with me or whatnot and he reads my harmless flirting back it may hurt him and start more fights and the friendship will never be repaired. Sadly, it may never be a good friendship again anyway.
I guess in a way being deleted from facebook is a real threat. You are being cut out of a huge chunk of a person's life. You miss their clever updates and won't know where to stalk them at, but I guess the greater point is why make a threat at all? Let your actions speak for you. Do what you know is best for yourself. Know that at the end of the day facebook will never replace face to face moments to say what needs to be said. Also, never break up with someone via text message. (I will cover that one later too).
I split my facebook into three groups: those I know and see regularly (or at least talk to regularly if they live out of town), those I have been close to and talked to in the past (high school people I had class with, my mom's friends, etc), and those random adds that tend to be either fruitful or entertaining. Note that I have about 50 people on the "people you may know" link that I have about 80 friends or so in common with that I don't like so I refuse to add them.
So I guess you are all wondering the same thing, "Why is this important?". Last week I had a boy, yes I will refer to this boy in his late 20s as a boy, threaten me with....hold your breath, here it comes, deleting me from his facebook!!!! After I got done laughing, I posted his immature behavior to my status and everyone had a good laugh. By the way, I deleted him from my facebook, who is immature now??? Oh, wait that's me. LOL.
It made me consider the evolution of our threats. Our earliest was probably, "I won't be your best friend anymore." I hear my twin four year olds say it all the time. They say it to their friends, but mostly they say it to each other. Personally, I have no doubt that they won't be each other's maid-of-honor one day in their weddings. Next it evolves into, "I won't invite you to my party.", "I won't be your girlfriend anymore.", "I want a divorce.", "I won't let you see your children.". All are just threats. They are just words that have the potential to turn into action that can hurt. (I will be writing more about the divorce threat in a later blog.)
That's when it hit me, all but the best friend thing, are listed on facebook. It is a powerful tool. We use it to say who our family is, who we are in a relationship with, who we are talking to or going out with, where we are both in our lives's journey and in actual life.
So back to the threat. I didn't lose my friend. I will refer to him as Jay. Jay was angry that I would not date him. I would not date anyone that doesn't have a car, doesn't have a job, doesn't have a place of residence where they pay some form of rent, and finally someone that can barely take care of their own life. It was not that I didn't make sense in my reasoning. I take care of myself and five children on a daily basis. I pay my own rent, own my van, working on a career by going to school and sending out query letters, and make sure my children's needs are met before I meet my own. I don't need another person to take care of. Jay said he was ready for a family and wanted to be a father and a husband. I have found there may not be a man out there ready to stand next to me and join me on what I am taking care of. I am ok with that. He is not.
Last night Jay apologized. He outlined why he was hurt and offended that I would not give him a chance, so I outlined my reasoning right back to him. We are still no longer friends on facebook. I figure if other guys flirt with me or whatnot and he reads my harmless flirting back it may hurt him and start more fights and the friendship will never be repaired. Sadly, it may never be a good friendship again anyway.
I guess in a way being deleted from facebook is a real threat. You are being cut out of a huge chunk of a person's life. You miss their clever updates and won't know where to stalk them at, but I guess the greater point is why make a threat at all? Let your actions speak for you. Do what you know is best for yourself. Know that at the end of the day facebook will never replace face to face moments to say what needs to be said. Also, never break up with someone via text message. (I will cover that one later too).
Saturday, March 12, 2011
It's All About The Labels
No, I am not talking about fashion. That would be like me using a black crayon on black paper to draw a black cat. I know nothing about fashion. The labels I am referring to are the ones that define us, if and only if we allow them to.
I have been given many labels: single, divorced, mother of five, student, low-income, educated, friend, daughter, Christian, boss, and employee. In the grand scheme of fairness I don't let the labels define where I am headed, but truthfully I cannot deny that they define where I am at this given moment.
Some of these things bother me more than the rest. Let's start with single. I am single, but single in itself does not even clarify itself. I am single, not looking. So my single is a conscience decision that I actively continue daily. I have no expectations of finding "the one" anytime soon. At one time I thought I had found my prince, but he turned out to be a retard in tin foil. (Picturing him in a funny tin foil hat and laughing on this end of the computer.) I have continuous offers from men that think they want to marry me, or be "my man", but I am not settling for someone just because it's easy.
As for divorced, yes I am divorced. There is no argument from me there. I left an abusive marriage and being defined by the fact that I made the decision to leave and never once looked back will be an expressive label of the strong and independent person I am for the rest of my life. I am not embarrassed to be divorced at 27 anymore than I am embarrassed to be a mother.
My five children define me and give me a label too. It's one word, crazy. I am really not crazy. I was an only child that wanted a large family. I have my large family, not the way I pictured it, but it's mine to claim never the less. I always thought I would have a husband to help me avoid the label single mom. Unfortunately I ran head first into a wall when it comes to wanting to believe what men tell me. My children have two fathers. My first four are products of my ex-husband. I had three pregnancies and four children with him. Wrap your head around that for a minute. Time up. I had a set of twins in the middle. My fifth child was a product of my engagement to his father. I love all five of my kids differently, but equally. They all have their own special attributes which is why I am proud to be their mommy.
I love that I am a student. Going back to school at any age is a positive way to improve, oneself and lifestyle. Whether someone graduates at 22 or at 82, a degree is something no one can take away. It is earned and it offers another label, graduate. I can't wait to have that label added to my resume.
Low-income just sounds bad. It does. I can't change it. As for right now it is honest. It is who I am for now. When I first moved into my apartment many of the other residents assumed we were rich in comparison. My children were decked out in nice name brand clothing and all had on new shoes. What they were unaware of was that I paid little to nothing for any of it. I made excellent purchases at second-hand stores and at garage sales all year long in an effort to make them feel like we had the world. I promised myself I would never allow my kids to be made fun of based on the clothing they had to wear. Even though I come from a middle class home, my older parents often failed to dress me fashionably. I was teased regularly about the things I lacked. If my kids get teased it won't be because their clothing was the wrong style.
Education is our biggest asset. It's both a privilege and a responsibility, much like driving a car. I can use my knowledge to either drive into a building, or to get a point accomplished. I like being well read. When I speak people listen. It is a good power to have when used to correctly.
The only responsibility more important than dealing with my education and parenting has to be friend. My friendships grow everyday. I make friends in the most unlikely places. For example I have 8 friends I have made while grocery shopping alone. I have 75 contacts in my phone that I actually talk to at least once a month. I have friends I unite with for causes or events within my community. I share my friends with my friends and they become friends. No one can ever have too many friends.
Once upon a time I was a daughter I would have liked to have. I was a top student. I was an athlete. I had several close knit and responsible friends. I never broke curfew (at my dad's). I never tried smoking or consumed any alcohol. I never did drugs. Since high school, I have made many poor choices concerning the the men in my life. I stayed in a marriage way too long and had four too many children with him. I had to borrow money not knowing if or how I would be able to pay it back. I have never thanked them enough for all they have done, but where they are, now they know.
As a Christian, I will admit that I am one and I will share my faith whenever I am asked. I don't wear it as a label in normal situations for the simple reason is that a lot of my faith is between me and God. Enough said on that.
Finally, I have been the good faithful employee. I showed up to work and did my job, but I preferred it when I was the boss. I like being the boss now. I write when I want, where I want, about whatever floats my boat. Maybe I will be shared, maybe not. Maybe I will have a writing career maybe not. Who cares what I have when I am doing what I love.
In conclusion, my labels give me a foundation. Whether I leave that foundation and fly one day is up to me.
I have been given many labels: single, divorced, mother of five, student, low-income, educated, friend, daughter, Christian, boss, and employee. In the grand scheme of fairness I don't let the labels define where I am headed, but truthfully I cannot deny that they define where I am at this given moment.
Some of these things bother me more than the rest. Let's start with single. I am single, but single in itself does not even clarify itself. I am single, not looking. So my single is a conscience decision that I actively continue daily. I have no expectations of finding "the one" anytime soon. At one time I thought I had found my prince, but he turned out to be a retard in tin foil. (Picturing him in a funny tin foil hat and laughing on this end of the computer.) I have continuous offers from men that think they want to marry me, or be "my man", but I am not settling for someone just because it's easy.
As for divorced, yes I am divorced. There is no argument from me there. I left an abusive marriage and being defined by the fact that I made the decision to leave and never once looked back will be an expressive label of the strong and independent person I am for the rest of my life. I am not embarrassed to be divorced at 27 anymore than I am embarrassed to be a mother.
My five children define me and give me a label too. It's one word, crazy. I am really not crazy. I was an only child that wanted a large family. I have my large family, not the way I pictured it, but it's mine to claim never the less. I always thought I would have a husband to help me avoid the label single mom. Unfortunately I ran head first into a wall when it comes to wanting to believe what men tell me. My children have two fathers. My first four are products of my ex-husband. I had three pregnancies and four children with him. Wrap your head around that for a minute. Time up. I had a set of twins in the middle. My fifth child was a product of my engagement to his father. I love all five of my kids differently, but equally. They all have their own special attributes which is why I am proud to be their mommy.
I love that I am a student. Going back to school at any age is a positive way to improve, oneself and lifestyle. Whether someone graduates at 22 or at 82, a degree is something no one can take away. It is earned and it offers another label, graduate. I can't wait to have that label added to my resume.
Low-income just sounds bad. It does. I can't change it. As for right now it is honest. It is who I am for now. When I first moved into my apartment many of the other residents assumed we were rich in comparison. My children were decked out in nice name brand clothing and all had on new shoes. What they were unaware of was that I paid little to nothing for any of it. I made excellent purchases at second-hand stores and at garage sales all year long in an effort to make them feel like we had the world. I promised myself I would never allow my kids to be made fun of based on the clothing they had to wear. Even though I come from a middle class home, my older parents often failed to dress me fashionably. I was teased regularly about the things I lacked. If my kids get teased it won't be because their clothing was the wrong style.
Education is our biggest asset. It's both a privilege and a responsibility, much like driving a car. I can use my knowledge to either drive into a building, or to get a point accomplished. I like being well read. When I speak people listen. It is a good power to have when used to correctly.
The only responsibility more important than dealing with my education and parenting has to be friend. My friendships grow everyday. I make friends in the most unlikely places. For example I have 8 friends I have made while grocery shopping alone. I have 75 contacts in my phone that I actually talk to at least once a month. I have friends I unite with for causes or events within my community. I share my friends with my friends and they become friends. No one can ever have too many friends.
Once upon a time I was a daughter I would have liked to have. I was a top student. I was an athlete. I had several close knit and responsible friends. I never broke curfew (at my dad's). I never tried smoking or consumed any alcohol. I never did drugs. Since high school, I have made many poor choices concerning the the men in my life. I stayed in a marriage way too long and had four too many children with him. I had to borrow money not knowing if or how I would be able to pay it back. I have never thanked them enough for all they have done, but where they are, now they know.
As a Christian, I will admit that I am one and I will share my faith whenever I am asked. I don't wear it as a label in normal situations for the simple reason is that a lot of my faith is between me and God. Enough said on that.
Finally, I have been the good faithful employee. I showed up to work and did my job, but I preferred it when I was the boss. I like being the boss now. I write when I want, where I want, about whatever floats my boat. Maybe I will be shared, maybe not. Maybe I will have a writing career maybe not. Who cares what I have when I am doing what I love.
In conclusion, my labels give me a foundation. Whether I leave that foundation and fly one day is up to me.
Friday, March 4, 2011
How I got here...
I never knew he would be mine. If I had known he would have never came into my life. I had no intention of doing this alone. Some say I planned it. I need the welfare or the support or whatever, but that was never once a thought that occurred to me as I presented the positive pregnancy test to my fiancée. I cried. I was not sad really, but I was very worried that I was going to have a fifth child when I could barely take care of the four I had alone. He reassured me that we were getting married and he was happy. We would get through it together and he was a sign from God that we were even more meant to be. A couple months later, I almost lost him. Twice in one day the blood came pouring out and it was in that moment I realized how much he meant to me. I didn't know for certain that he was a boy, but since I only had gotten sick with my first son, I assumed he was a boy also. He was. When I saw his little vivid body and heartbeat on the ultrasound machine for the first time I cried. He was alive. He was alright and I wanted him. I loved him more than anyone at that moment. I spent months on bed-rest, keeping him alive. I wanted my son to be born healthy. His dad was amazing. He held my hand, rubbed my back and helped with my other four children that he claimed as his own. He talked to my tummy and played music for our son. Never once did he deny him, or seem sad that he had proposed. Then, one day, things changed. Without warning, I received a break up text message. Sorry, I just don't love you anymore. And I am sorry to do this to your daughter. Oh and I want a DNA test. I broke down instantly. A DNA test for the baby we made while being completely in love and engaged. Not only had I never cheated on him, but I had opened up in a way I didn't know I could with him. If he did not love the real me, then perhaps something was wrong with me. Out of no where, I got sick. Started vomiting. Nothing I ate or drank would stay down and our son was due in three weeks. I was alone. Broken. Extremely sick. With no one to take care of my other four kids, I watched my house get trashed by my four small children and I was too sick to get up and even take care of them. It was the single most selfish thing I had ever seen a "man" do. He could not wait until our son was born? As I laid in the hospital for the third time in four days getting fluids, I bawled. Our son's heart-rate kept dropping, I could barely walk, and I was so tired, but had no intention of sleeping. Finally, I decided to just have a c-section. I had hit my emotional breaking point. I did not want him anymore. My son was no longer a happy memory for me, but rather he had become a burden I didn't want to bare. I considered giving him to his father. Just sign off, you have to love him enough to let him go, you can't take care of a fifth child on your own. You are trying to go to school. You have no job and you will never be able to deliver the opportunities he deserves. However, baby daddy wanted him, which meant that this man that broke up with me via text message and clearly was not ready to be a father after all, was also not ready to care for his son like he claimed. So when he arrived I allowed myself to get attached. I breastfed him. I brought him home. I don't regret it. I don't regret a single night of missed sleep. I don't regret watching him smile at his siblings. I love his laugh. I love the way he has a single freckle on his toe. I just adore the son I prayed for and saved and love. I love him and my other four kids and I would NOT change a thing.
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